Bijli giri jaha par, us zakhm se barish risti hai.
Teri bewafai mere asman ka dil cheer kar gayi.
Translation:
Rains bleed from the wounds where the lightning struck;
Your betrayal tore through the heart of my sky.
Bijli giri jaha par, us zakhm se barish risti hai.
Teri bewafai mere asman ka dil cheer kar gayi.
Translation:
Rains bleed from the wounds where the lightning struck;
Your betrayal tore through the heart of my sky.
Author’s note: Thank you, Lauren for providing the first line of the story.
The letter contained the most unexpected news I could imagine. For the hundredth time, I reread those ragged, cursive words written in a weak hand on a paper with roses printed on it. The paper is of the finest quality, worthy of a person of means.
My dearest,
I wish we had more time together, but I cannot undo the turn my life has taken. On the verge of death, I see you, and you alone, as my closest relative. This estate now belongs to you.
Love,
D. F. Allistor
I hazard a look at the life-size portrait hanging behind my bed—the mischievous blue eyes seem to twinkle with mirth. I avert my eyes trying to ignore the portrait—the proverbial elephant in the room. D. F. Allistor died recently, leaving this estate to me. His attorney had mailed me the letter after his death along with the documentation of inheritance.
When I first received it, I had instantly sent a letter back letting him know that there was a mistake; that I was an orphan with no living relatives and didn’t know any dead ones; that I had never been to the estate before, and neither did I know the last owner nor did I ever hear of him; and hence, I could not be the person in this will.
But the attorney was sure, “I know it sounds improbable, even to me. But while I am unaware of the nature of your relationship with the late Donovon Frederick Allistor yet, the details provided to me by him match you exactly, down to the last letter of your name, address, parentage and work history.”
This reply had rattled me. I am not a public figure, and I have no social media account. Researching about me from across the country must have taken a lot of time and resources. Yet, this relative had never approached me while he was alive, not even when I was abused by foster parents and turned into a servant of their household. All those years, I had waited for some relative to come forward and claim me. Now that I was out of that situation, inheriting this obscene amount of money and the sprawling estate seems meaningless. Well, almost…
Two years back, I had left my foster home at the first opportunity and started working at the hospital in the Hospice ward. In return, I received weekly paychecks and had a small quarter to live in. It was a tough life. The people I took care of were waiting to die and death was a frequent visitor. It isn’t fair to have to work in a place that reeked of death just to be able to survive.
I tried to stay aloof most of the times—tears were a luxury for meant for people with means. But it was difficult when some of the patients cared so much for me. They often offered words of care and caution like family. Charles had even offered to adopt me—I had to remind him that I was too old to be adopted. And Martha had offered me a job at her home, but, of course, the job was only until Martha was alive, which wasn’t long. And that place was right next door to the Cancer ward, where I had met Eric…
He used to make me laugh—even declared his “undying love” and “married” me by twisting his ventilator tube and slipping it on my finger as a ring, joking that I would soon be a rich widow! He died last month with his bald head in my lap and wrinkled hands holding mine. I had stayed with him until an ambulance came and took him back to his city to be buried. That was the only day I had allowed myself to cry.
It isn’t fair at all!
All this while, there was a someone with means who knew about me and could have supported me! But he had waited until his death.
Initially, I was angry, confused and unsure of the stroke of unusually good luck. But there was no point declining the opportunity this estate presented. It came with a lot of money and no debt. It could set me up for life and help me start over, attend college and, maybe, become someone I could be proud of. The place came with a housekeeper and a gardener who were paid through a trust fund—I didn’t have to be alone here. So, I left the job at the hospital and moved here.
*****
I love the place. It is beautiful and not very old. My resentment towards late D.F. Allistor is gradually dissipating. But even after being in the house for two days, I’m still unsure of my relationship with him. I always keep wondering if someone will come and make a claim for the estate, calling me a fraud and usurper.
I can’t put it off anymore. So, I broach the topic with the housekeeper about the previous owner without making it look like I didn’t know him. She seems very fond of him, “Oh! He was a fine man, ma’am. A little mischievous but he had a good heart. Always helped me when I was in trouble with my husband. Even in his death, he left a trust fund, so I don’t have to go back to him. Taken too early, I say! Twenty-four is not the age to die!” Tears are gathering in the corners of her eyes.
24? “When did he commission this portrait?”
“Just two years back when a local artist was unable to pay her mortgage. He gave her enough money without making it sound like charity.”
How can I hold a grudge against such a person? Earlier, I had assumed he was older. But taken at 24? For the first time, I look properly at the portrait with the twinkling eyes, looking for a similarity in his face and mine—some family connection I never knew of. The face feels faintly familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it.
Thinking of something to say, I pick the most obvious topic, “How did he die?”
She looked at me with doubt in her eyes, “Cancer. You know all about it, of course. By the time doctors diagnosed it, he only had a few months left. He got chemotherapy and radiation done in a facility close by. The poor boy lost all his hair, eyebrows and lashes, and he was so frail in those last days—it was impossible to recognise him! And later, he went to that big hospital in your city all alone, for his parents were both dead and gone. He wouldn’t let me come because my youngest is still only 3. When he met you, he was finally so happy. He told me all about it over the phone…”
Her voice trailed away, as she read the doubt on my face, “You did know him, didn’t you?”
I could picture him in the hospital, mischievous blue eyes framed by a frail, bald face and a charming smile, slipping the twisted ventilator tube like a ring on my finger, his bald head in my lap and wrinkled hands holding mine…
Frederick…Eric…
*****
For the millionth time, I reread those ragged, cursive words written in a weak hand on a paper with roses printed on it. I look at the life-size portrait hanging behind my bed.
The mischievous blue eyes seem to twinkle with love…
Been too lost to speak;
Been too lost to quiet;
Been too long I could think of what to say besides.
…
Feels like forever;
When you were by my side,
Been too long ever since I felt the pain subside.
…
Wait for me, won’t you?
I will be along
Wait for me, won’t you?
You won’t be alone…
…
Been too far away
On the other side of the sun.
Too long since I touched the fresh earth
and didn’t feel the burn.
…
Lost in space forever,
I didn’t see until you were gone;
Now there’s nothing but to wonder
When I’ll be along…
…
Wait for me
there, my love;
I’ll be along…
Wait for me
won’t you?
I will be along…
_________________________________________________
Author’s note: Not sure where this one came up from. I am not a song writer, but I was singing it as I wrote it. I could hear my brother’s guitar in my mind, strumming a quick beat as I sang it. And for some reason, it feels like a piece of my heart.
The ever-present frigidness is now fiery warm;
The spring had come suddenly
and now, I wish it gone;
For there is no softness, no gentleness as such;
Only the passionate sun
that burns all he touch;
And makes you wish for icy winds and torrential storm.
Love is just barely here,
and now, I wish it gone.

I stand at the subway gates. Her train is late. That has me worried. She is a creature of habit, always visiting the subway at the same time every day. What if she decides not to come at all because of the delay? Could I live through the eighty-six thousand seconds that pass between today and tomorrow?
When I first met her, it was in the same spot when I was called to duty by a church minister to get rid of the riffraff that riddled the enclosed space. I was one of the best guardian angels, killing all the specters at the breath of my sword. But, then, she stepped down from the midnight train, her melancholy eyes drawing me in. She walked towards the subway gate…towards me…and the world around me melted into an array of colours and nothingness.
I think the minister shouted to get rid of her but how could I?!
He called her as the most dangerous one but I couldn’t see why.
I think he sighed, “Not this one too,” but couldn’t care less.
Since then, for Almighty-knows-how-many years, I stand rooted in the same spot waiting for her to step down from the midnight train and walk towards the subway gates–towards me–like the hundreds of other specters before and after me.
(Author’s note: I saw this picture on Unsplash by Andrew Ling and it spoke to me. All I wrote is what the picture breathed into my ears.)
She stands in middle of the raucous party.
–
Do I dare?
No, I don’t.
Of course, I choose to live in the past.
It is the safest place to be.
There are no risks, no uncertainties–
just plain solid facts.
There are are a few regrets
but I can always shrug them off as past.
–
Do I dare?
No, I can’t.
Future is steeped in risk.
Can’t get there
without weathering some storms
or facing my demons!
Can’t strive, plan, fail…face fresh hurt–
Too full of blows from the past.
At least they didn’t manage to kill me…yet.
Can’t move on.
–
Do I dare?
No, I won’t.
I sneak a peek at her across the hall
while trying to ignore her.
She smiles in my direction.
I frown at the pain in my chest
in the hole filled with resignation.
Ah! I forgot to breath!
–
Do I dare?
Don’t I stand on the mountain of hurt
collected in years past?
Will I be able to get past?
She is looking here expectantly–
a smile playing on her mischievous lips.
–
Do I dare?
May be…
I smile back and step forward…
The past still hurts.
Well, one baby step at a time.
Andhera tere dar pe nahi mere dil me tha;
Me dastak se darta raha; tu intezar karta raha.
Translation:
Standing in the darkness outside your door;
Willing it to open; fearing it would;
Craving the light escaping from the sides,
Steeling to face it; fearing I would;
Hoping to accept me; fearing I’m ruined;
Knowing you stand right beside the door,
Just waiting for me
to knock…
Can’t sleep even if I tried,
Strangled by dreams awake wide;
Had I been able to get a wink,
Probably would have died!
Translation in Urdu
Neend hi toh nahi aati, bas khwab hi hain.
Jo neend bhi aa jati toh mar hi na jate?!
Not sure why I went inside museum that day. Was it boredom? Loneliness? Morbid curiosity? Or just the hope of seeing Cleo again?
It would be fair to say that he was neck deep in Egypt…or may be deeper still. He was absolutely in love with that place. In fact, the first time I had met him was inside city museum’s underground Egyptian section. I was bored with no plans and had gone alone. I was admiring the gold throne when Cleo had approached me and offered a tour of the section. He did not even introduce his friend, who had smiled and left us alone.
He seemed quite well informed on the subject of ancient Egypt and his enthusiasm was contagious. He talked like a 13-year-old on a trip to football stadium. Soon, I was skipping along his side from display to display. He had stories about each piece-the pottery and the potters; the carving and the carvers; the sacrophagus (the ancient Egyptian caskets) and the mummies hidden inside–the king and one of his slaves. He was intelligent and witty and had a quirky sense of humour. He was chivalrous but not overbearing. He treated me like a queen, and no woman can ignore that kind of attention. When at the end of visiting hours, he asked me to visit again, I could not help but promise to return the next weekend.
So, for seven weekends, we met at the museum. We laughed and talked. I told him about my life at college, my dorm room and crazy roommate. He told me about his childhood antics, crocodiles on the Nile, pyramids and Egypt. He was holding back his present life though as if he wasn’t ready to share it yet. He didn’t tell me what he did for a living and if he had a family back in Egypt.
It worried me a little, but I wasn’t the one to probe. And we had time.
His interest in me felt genuine though. When we held hands as we walked through the museum discussing different displays, I could feel that he was as reluctant to let go of my hand as I. Sometimes, he would look in my eyes with the look that made me wonder if he was going to get down on one knee and ask me to marry him. I would have said “Yes” without doubt, even if it meant moving to Egypt with him.
But he never asked the question in words and I didn’t know how to begin that coversation–especially since we were never alone. He wouldn’t leave the museum–he lived on campus, or so he said. He wouldn’t come out with me for dinner, lunch or even coffee. He always had something to do, something to show, something to talk about, which was not his life or our future. He didn’t even have a mobile phone number, so we couldn’t connect unless I visited the museum.
Three weeks back, he told me he was moving to Egypt; and it seems that he had known the fact for a long time. Apparently, a certain part of the Egyptian display the museum, including the mummies of the king and his slave, had come from a private collector. His family had acquired it from the black market a couple of centuries ago without the consent of Egyptian government, as was the norm in those days. But a team of Egyptian researchers had traced them back to the correct tomb a few years back. They had discussed the matter between the two countries and were moving the collection back to where it belonged. Cleo was leaving with it, back to where he belonged.
And I wanted to go with him. Though I knew nothing about him, his job, his life back in Egypt or his family but I knew it wasn’t just a holiday romance. We had barely touched each-other and yet, I could feel my heart breaking over the news.
That day, the love in his eyes said everything, even if he wouldn’t. Even as he spoke of different layers in society, of commoners, of priests, of nobles, of princes and kings of divine origin and of slaves who worked under them and were buried alongside their master to serve them in afterlife, I saw in his eyes something akin of a desperation–a burning question, as if he was seeking permission to say something. I had asked him what it was, but he had simply shrugged. I could see he was holding back.
I couldn’t bear his silence now because we were running out of time. He would leave for Egypt, and I would never see him again. I wondered if I should propose him instead but so far I had only guessed his intentions. I had no clarity. What if I was wrong and I didn’t mean as much to him as he did to me? What if he had a wife waiting on the other side of the sea?
He still wouldn’t talk about his family and friends or what he thought of our future together. He wouldn’t even come out of the damned museum for a short walk with me.
Angry, I had walked out that day. He had stood at the gate looking at me with desolate eyes, but he hadn’t stopped me.
It was a difficult fortnight. I couldn’t eat or drink. Sleep defied me, no matter what I did. I even went on a date to take my mind off the matter, but it felt like cheating, even though, logically speaking, we had never been together–just a few friendly meetings at the museum. But all I could think of was of Cleo’s fingers wrapped around mine; and how I would lose him forever.
The eve of the movement day arrived with announcement of the big news on Television and Newspapers. They had called it an act of international goodwill; an Egyptian king and his treasure being returned to his people. It would bring a lot of tourism and, in turn, employment to the cities around the tomb where he will be placed back. Cleo will probably play the tour guide there or whatever he did for a living. The thought alleviated the ache in my heart so much that I could scarcely breath.
He was leaving…
Without me…
I sat huddled in my bed all day, not eating, not sleeping, not responding when my roommate asked if I wanted to go out and grab lunch. I just wanted to be left alone, so she complied. But loneliness pricked more than ever. He didn’t have a phone but he had my number. He could have called. He chose not to.
He was leaving…
Without me…
May be it is better his way. I wouldn’t be able to afford the tickets, passport and visa to Egypt. God knows whether Cleo has enough money for the two of us. May be that’s why he…
He was leaving…
Without me…
I am not sure how I reached museum. I don’t remember making a decision to. But my feet ached as if I had walked all the way. I only realised I was there when the guard at the main gate stopped me. Apparently, the museum was closed earlier than usual because there were certain Egyptian rites to re-coronate the mummified king before the big movement the next day. The coronation was obviously a marketing strategy to raise the excitement and, in turn, tourism to his tomb. The museum staff has been given the day off and only select few Egyptians were allowed. A dread settled in my gut along with hope–Dread that I wouldn’t be able to meet Cleo. Hope that he must be here. He wouldn’t miss such a rare Egyptian event. He must have found a way to get in. I had to get in too, somehow. When begging for an entry got me nowhere, I decided to change tactics.
I had noticed a small hole in the wall on the other side of the museum on my walks with Cleo around the place. It can serve as a foothold to jump in. There was also an emergency exit, which is always open.
So, I walked around the wall and used the foothold. It was too small, and I could only get a toe in, so I left my shoes behind and jumped in barefoot. The emergency exit was open. With all staff out, I was free to explore.
The place felt weird and darker, probably because of the lack of the usual staff. And once the adrenaline wore off, I was slightly scared to be alone. I could smell incense in the air along with many other smells I could not understand. A different sense of dread clutched my heart–I shouldn’t be here. I should have waited outside along with the guard. I wished Cleo was here alongside me to fill the silence with his chatter.
As I walked to the Egyptian display room, I wondered if I should go back and wait outside but I couldn’t make myself give up. Cleo was so close, I could almost smell him, or was it the insense? The fragrance was stronger closer to the Egyptian display and so was the sense of dread. I opened the door just a sliver and peeped in.
The room had a pile of large shopping boxes packed on one side. Two sacrophagus lay open.
It seemed they were play-acting. Cleo’s friend was sitting on the throne in a regal dress. A fire burned in the middle of the room. Another man was reading a book aloud. I shifted a little and saw several people sitting on one knee, head down, listening. Cleo was there too, not hiding like me but out front. His clothes resembled that of a slave as he had once shown me in a display. His face was just as desolate as the last time.
The sound of the book closing with a low thump drew my eyes to the reading man. He was now walking to the throne with a crown. Once he placed it on the man’s head, everyone bowed with their noses on the floor. Cleo did too.
Nothing made sense.
The man with the book spoke a few versus again and looked expectantly at the “king”. He nodded regally.
And his face and hands started to shrivel. Horrified, I wanted to tear my eyes off him, but fear held me still. Before my very eyes, bandages replaced his royal garb and he went limp. One of the men in the congregation picked him up gingerly and lay him in his sacrophagus. Unable to comprehend, I looked at Cleo for some kind of explanation but someone had picked him up too and placed him in the other sacrophagus.
Pain,
not mine,
stays and muddles
what’s mine and what’s
borrowed.
Author’s note: Lantern is Japanese poetry form shaped visually like a lantern in 1,2,3,4,1 syllables.