Posted in Life and After, Love

7D

Author’s note: This story is part of my upcoming book: 7D: Tales from the Future. You can download my other books for free from here: Books by Shaily

The sun is warm on my skin and the air smells of pine and heather. Yume’s dark eyes gaze into mine mesmerizing me as he guides me by the elbow and urges me to touch the blue bird sitting next to the gurgling spring. Her glowing blue feathers call to me. There is a song in the wind with no words—only the music of the bubbling spring, singing birds and chirping grasshoppers. The dream like scene holds me still.

Yume is still touching my elbow; still looking at me with those dark eyes. I shiver as butterflies take flight in my belly. Half afraid that the blue bird would fly away shattering the magic of the moment, I touch her wings. She quivers but does not leave me. Her feathers under my fingers are buttery soft. Her two yellow friends sit alongside her unaffected by my intrusion. One of them is drinking water from the spring; the other one is singing in a voice that would remain with me forever.

With his perfect pointed nose, Yume resembles the birds: calm and serene. For a moment, I wonder if his team has used him as the model for these birds. The dark expressive eyes are certainly his. I am better off not knowing though if I want to keep reliving this otherworldly experience. I know it is just an illusion—a seven dimensional (7D) piece of visual art that allows me to see in three dimensions as well as hear, smell, taste and touch—but still…

It is a product of responsive technology powered by Artificial Intelligence, which means that when I interact with any element, it responds intelligently. My act of breathing is met with the smell of pine forest; the blue bird quivers upon my touch; and the water splashes against my hand, tongue and throat—wet without actual water—as I drink from the spring.

The best part is that there is no need for special glasses or equipment to run it—just a touch-powered, self-fitting ring with a button that Seiko is wearing on his little finger. Once you wear it and switch the button on, it activates adding certain elements to your surroundings, creating the illusion. This piece is an immersive one that has turned my entire room into my personal heaven.

Yume smiles at me knowingly. I will owe him forever for this moment.

Seiko touches one of the two rings on his finger. The scene pixilates and melts in the air bringing my office into view, and I sigh as I return to reality. Seiko is amused, “Engages all senses, doesn’t it?”

I nod wordlessly. Before I had experienced it, I was a little unsure of the sellability of the technology—it will be extremely expensive in the initial years due to the research and development cost, close to a vacation on a space station. So, I had wondered if people would be interested in buying it when they can have the same experience by traveling.
But now, I am converted. I would never have been able to touch a live bird in a natural setting.

And then, there is Yume still touching my elbow, which makes it difficult to think clearly. He has a way of making my legs jelly. Honestly, I would never approve of such a crazy fascination. I have never been so taken by any other man. Once a talk show host had asked me what it would take to tame the tigress and I had told her the vision of my perfect man: the perfect gentleman, strong with ideas, gentle in conduct, intelligent, capable of witty conversations, and not overbearing or jealous. I had also told her that I was sure he did not exist.

But then, Seiko and Yume had approached me at a Visual Arts conference last month. With his quick wit, amazing knowledge and impeccable manners, I was instantly drawn to Yume. Add to that the way he looks at me—like I am the only woman in the world—appreciates me for all the right things and the way his hand lingers in mine a second longer than necessary for a handshake, he had me purring like a kitten ever since.

But we are never alone. Seiko is always there. Both of them are always talking about this breakthrough in 7D technology—how their company has been looking for an investor to commercialise it. I have invested enough times in visual technologies to know that this one will be an instant success.

Right now, they are both looking at me expectantly for an answer. They know they have won already. Seiko queries, “So, will you invest in our organisation to commercialise the 7D techonology?”

“I’m afraid not,” I say, much to my regret.

Seiko looks crest fallen, but Yume is not even ruffled, “No? Not even after what you have experienced? It can allow the best kind of travel—no car, no gas, no walking, no insects and no sleeping outdoors in rain. Just switch on a button and you are there, living the moment like a real thing! It can also provide lonely people with a personal companion who would talk to them, empathise with them and convert into whatever they want them to be—parent, best friend, lover… I know you believe in it too.”

I know I must take a stand, even if I don’t like it. “Yes, and that is because the technology is far too believable. Once you are in, there is no way to tell that it is an illusion and not reality.”

“And that is a problem?” he asks with my favourite lopsided smile.

I suck in some air and try to remember why I was opposing him, “Yes. It is like drugs—something that takes people away from real life. Once they buy it, they will become useless, unable to leave all the dreams that have come true. It can be easily used to gaslight people—make them believe in the things and people that don’t exist and the events that never happened. They will never be able to tell the difference since it engages all the senses. It is like selling Schizophrenia.”

His face was close, eyes smouldering, “You can trust us. We will never allow misuse of the technology.”

I feel my resolve weakening but I must try, “I trust you and Seiko. But once other people realise what is possible, they are sure to find a way to do it—by buying your people, by spying on your secrets or by simply experimenting. And once the competition begins customising the visuals, not all of them would care whether it is ethical or not. We will not be able to control who sells it and how it is used. It happens all the time with technology. You bring in a new thing and people begin misusing it. But the kind of impact 7D technology can cause on people’s psyche would be too great a risk. I can’t have that on my conscience. If your organisation could reduce even just one dimension to ensure it was not so lifelike…” Even as I say it, I know how much I will regret suggesting it.

Yume’s face falls. He leans forward in his seat. His eyes are pained now, his face still closer, “I thought I could trust you to take the leap of faith. You want it too—I can see it in your eyes. Our team has worked for years perfecting the technology. It is the sole reason I exist. Take it away from me and I will perish. And I thought you liked having me around?”

His eyes are holding mine captive and I can feel his breath on my face—he smells like mint—heady, sharp and sweet. I can hardly remember there is one more person in the room. Like a mouse trapped in snake’s gaze, I can’t speak, so I just nod my head.
He takes my hand to his lips and plants a lingering kiss that holds promises for future. He never kissed me before. Still holding my gaze, he smiles, “See, I knew you would stand by my side. Will you sign the documentation now? We can then celebrate this evening, just you and me?”

Just him and me…

I have dreamt of it so many times…

Hypnotised, I nod again. Seiko mails me a contract right away.

All the details of the contract are fleshed out in perfection. I am agreeing to invest an unbelievable amount of money in his organisation. The organisation will request patenting of the technology and buy the state of the art equipment and software licenses to create the 7D illusions at a commercial level. My payback will begin once they start selling—half the profits. I am not sure if I am really reading the contract as Yume’s fingers draw lazy circles inside the palm of my left hand.

My breathing hitches as I sign the contract digitally with my other hand.

Seiko rises and shakes my hand. He takes off the second ring from his finger and puts it on the desk, “Consider it a gift.” The gesture is so sudden and unbelievable, I take a few seconds to respond and the touch powered illusion that is Yume starts flickering.

I quickly wear the ring. Yume is mine forever.

Consequences be damned!

Posted in Nature, Random Thoughts

My Neighbour: The Queen

She is a dog person. I can tell just by looking in her eyes. It’s in the way she is looking at me in expectation, as if I am going to dance out of my bed to lick her. Ugh! I have better things to do than pleasing random people dropping in to visit me.

Okay, I know she is not a random person, probably a neighbour of my temporary-slaves–a really close neighbour, considering she is here everyday, sometimes cooking in the kitchen, always eating and drinking god-knows-what.

Honestly, I don’t know much about these temporary-slaves except that my permanent-slaves trusted them to do my bidding and escorted me to their place so that they themselves could go where they had to.

So far, these people have been satisfactory–they keep my food plate full and the water tastes correct. They offer me random treats that I reject outright, so they don’t expect any special treatment. They stroke me and when they try to pick me up and I give them the evil-eye, they drop me right there on their bed. I like their bed, it is large and the blankets spread on top of it are specially soft.

They have a human kitten who is satisfactory too. She comes in early mornings, late afternoons and evenings and keeps stroking me and offering toys, which I reject, of course. She talks to me about random things–school, friends, teachers–and I ignore her. I close my eyes to remind her it is nap time though I don’t think she takes the hint…until she calls her.

That is another reason I don’t like her. I don’t like random people calling off my slaves, especially when they are stroking my favourite spots. I think her name is Momma. That’s what that kitten calls her. Momma has also been trying to get my attention but I would rather avoid her. That is why I always leave my throne next to kitchen window when she walks in. I would rather hazard sleeping inside my slaves’ room. She may be a worthy subject but that doesn’t change anything. She is a dog-person–it is written all over her face, in her disappointment for not getting a special treatment for just showing up. And that is reason enough to dump her.

I think dogs overdo it. Everytime someone comes in, they have to react–they bark,they bite or they wag their tails and lick. Every single time; like they had been waiting for the opportunity; like they didn’t have anything better to do; like they don’t need time to wash and groom, or sulk and brood…

They give too much importance to their human slaves. It’s shameful. If my mother was here, she would call it attention-seeking behaviour. We cats are above this silly stuff. We eat, we drink, we wash and we sleep. That is enough to get us though the days. We don’t need to run a mile to be pampered. We chose to be pampered. And we chose the pamperor. No Mom, Dick or Harry is going to touch my fur unless I allow it.

Momma is calling my name. I am ignoring her. She is holding out kitty-treats, smiling. I give her an evil-eye and the smile falters. Well, it doesn’t feel as good as I thought–she isn’t evil and she isn’t exactly setting her dog on me. But she is in my territory and that makes her my subject. I have to teach her respect. Disappointed, she drops the treat in my bowl. Good!

Gingerly, she holds out a hand for me to sniff. Hmmm, she is seeking permission to touch. I am tempted to lick the taste of treats off her hand but I don’t. I just sniff and ignore her. She quietly moves her hand on my head and strokes. I should have growled to set her in her place but I allow it for now–it is rather nice the way she is scratching behind my ears…

Ohhh!

Yes!

Yes, Yes, Yes!

Right there, keep doing it!

Ohh my goodness! How did she know?

Ooooh! Oh God, I love her…

But I can’t tell her that, I have to teach her her place…

But this feels so good…

Here, scratch here under my neck…

My goodness, she is a scratch goddess…

Here, a little more on the tummy…

You got it right baby! Keep doing it…

Ohhhh!

Oh no, she is getting distracted by her kitten! Go away you pesky little thing…

Come back, Momma. Do your thing!

Duh! Lost the rhythm! That’s what happens when you socialise while on job. Go away and don’t come back, you…you…disappointing human!

Huh! Call my name all you want. Like I care!


Photo credit: Antonio

Author’s note: I have always been a dog person. When a relative dropped off their cat at our home for a week, I wondered if I’ll like it. But she is furry, quiet and dignified with just the right kind of sass. I love her and she ignores me. I call her name and she moves into my brother-in-law’s room to shake me off. I follow and she gives me ‘the eye’. I offer her treats and she gives me a look of disgust. It’s only when I stroke her that she acknowledges my existence. As soon as the rub ends, I become invisible to her again. Sigh!

Posted in Random Thoughts

A Recovering Book-junkie: Relapse

A few months back, I wrote about how, last winter, I started on a crazy reading schedule and couldn’t stop myself until, finally, I put my foot (read ‘book’) down. I deleted Kindle and Google Book apps from my phone and limited my time on Project Gutenberg. Since then I was following a sustainable speed of one book a month so that I could spend time with my daughter.

Last month, I decided to read something lighter and downloaded Google Books again. As it happens with all libraries that do not solely contain classics, I had a few hit and miss cases, which meant that I was reading books I didn’t like and then moving on to the next one to “wash out the taste from my mouth”. I read two short stories and two book samples before settling on a series which was interesting. It was four book combo and I read it in three days. Then, I realised that I really like it and read it again a little slowly. And now I am reading it for the third time to understand how the writer has done the charater study. And I am halfway through again.

That’s 10 books in 10 days. Since I work part-time during days and am full-time mother, needless to say I am sleeping…two-three hours a day. And I can see the dark bags under my eyes and irritation seeping in and I have that craving to go back to the book again.

I relapsed.

This morning, I decided to take a step back and see where it was taking me. I have a pounding headache–the kind associated with hangover after heavy partying. I have had it for the last one month.

I haven’t combed my hair in three days and hadn’t offered my daily prayers. I hadn’t talked to anyone outside work, not even my mother. I haven’t posted in the past two months. While first month was excusable due to my daughters exams and bad health and my work pressure, second one wasn’t.

My house has clothes littered all over the place. The kitchen is a mess because I am not even helping with the minimal household chores that I usually do before I start office work. My mom-in-law hasn’t said a thing and it makes me more ashamed than any kind of reprimand.

Until yesterday, I didn’t know what my daughter ate for lunch. My sister-in-law has been feeding her, assuming I was busy with office work. I don’t what my daughter had been studying lately and whether she had finished her homework, and I hadn’t played with her all month.

I am ashamed and yet the craving of going back to my book is overwhelming. I have to stop it here and now. So, I am starting today.

I spent my time after office by gossipping with my mom-in-law while helping in kitchen a bit. I came back to help my daughter with her homework. She was delighted and ready to forgive and forget.

I still have the headache and am sleepy and a little dizzy. But I think I will be able to contain the damage to my health in a couple of days. Damage to my reputation amongst family and friends, not sure. I haven’t wished Happy Birthday to a bunch of them and almost missed my husband’s birthday, my brother-in-law’s anniversary which are both in a couple of days.

I also missed out wishing everyone on Christmas. Apologies! I hope you got what you asked Santa for 😊 Happy Holidays everyone! I wish we will all be able to keep our new year resolutions.

Mine is to contain my book enthusiasm to one book a month. Wish me luck!

And what’s yours?

Posted in Random Thoughts

An Indian vacation

This post in response to Colin McQueens’s recent post about his past travels (Link). I was replying to him but realised it was long enough to be considered a post 🤣🤣🤣

I had travelled some places in India early in life. Everywhere I found that I could not eat anything because of too much chilli. The water always tasted wrong, whether bottled or otherwise. I was always excited during the day, tired by sun down, slept off five seconds after my head hit the bed (I don’t use a pillow). Here are some different types of travel in India.

Summer travel: As a rule, vacation in India always involves looking for a place less sunny that your hometown. There is no sun bathing involved. We see too much sun all year to crave for it during vacation as well. Most of us are too dark to get a tan that looks pretty. Mostly, it would make us look like burnt chicken. Since no sun means rainy, putting a damper on outdoors program, we look towards hill stations as retreat during summer vacations.

Going to a typical hill station during summers without booking two month in advance means you will enjoy the elements more that you would want to, since you will spend the night outdoors under the stars, without space to pitch a tent.

Every ‘major’ hill station in India offers all kinds of services to you. There will be a super-pricey market attached to it where everything from toothpaste to diamonds is available at three times the cost. I remember having to buy shoes in one such place (shudder). The only thing you can’t get is a view, unless you are a very tall person and can look over the shoulders of a huge crowd around the only roadside left with a view.

I once went to the Gun hill in Mussoorie, having heard a thousand praises about the place and its scenic beauty. I even took the ropeway, even though I am scared of heights. Once I reached there, I searched for the said view. I told myself repeatedly it must be there somewhere, hidden behind the huge rising circle of shops–photo booths and souvenirs. Then giving up, we decided to get our photos taken in the local garb to have a proof that we did visit that place (we can always fake it). We asked a local photographer for his services. He offered us a dress. Once ready, he took us through a maze of shops and told a few people to move aside, and bingo! the view was right there. True that we could see only one side of Gun hill now rather than the 360 degree view it once offered but, at least, there was an unblocked view and we could take pictures before others elbowed us out. ☺️

Going off-season to a quieter hill station would mean that the only meal option would probably be egg and bread, if any. (Been there, eaten that.) But you can have an unobstructed view of the endless mountains, if there hadn’t been any landslides on your way to the place; if you are not stuck indoors due to a snowstorm; and if you can dare to come out of your cave made of blankets. ☺️

The sea coast and desert are considered only during winters when we have nothing to lose. Sun is not quite that burning and we can manage to look not quite that burnt despite being outdoors.

I have never been to a winter vacation spot, which means I haven’t seen the sea. I can only assume there will be a lot of water. I can’t be sure, of course. I have seen pictures, though, of people from foreign countries sun bathing in Goa. Why someone would fly all the way to Goa only to lie down with eyes closed is a mystery to me. The place is supposed to be beautiful. I understand engaging other senses as well, but closing your eyes to so much beauty is beyond me. But then. I haven’t been to a beach so I don’t know the beach-etiquettes.

Desert will probably have sand and sun. Again, I only say that because of photographs people share. I can only assume they are right since they have no clear reason to lie and fake photos (unless their train failed to turn up–which is entirely possible due to winter fog–and they decided to fake it to avoid returning to office).

I once went to Jaipur, assuming it was a desert, considering it is the capital city of Rajasthan–the desert state of India. Boy, was I wrong! There was not a speck of sand though. The whole city was squeaky clean and modern, looking closer to Delhi. I wondered if we were in the correct city until a row of pink houses started flashing past us. (Jaipur is famous for its pink houses.) And later I saw some of the most magnificent architecture ever built, but sadly, no sand dunes. There were no camels to ride and I kept wishing to ride a camel-drawn cart, at least. But it was a no-go.

Religious travel: One more vacation type in India is Teerthyatra (Pilgrimage). Since India has around 33 crore (330 million) deities, we have pilgrimage spots covering half the country allowing us a variety of choices based on the season and our favourite deity.

Our gods sit in large courts among their friends and family. Each major god will have his wife next door and his sons and daughters in separate rooms–sometimes along with their own spouses and children–and most definitely with their rides close by. (Our god’s are inventive and like to ride various animals regardless of their sizes).

Considering each god has several pilgrimages around the country, together with the local gods, the number of pilgrimage sites in India is overwhelming. I have been to several these spots in my early youth, always driven by wanderlust rather than faith. The biggest pilgrimage sites having amazing architecture and are built in exotic locales that most visitors usually fail to look at because they need to stand in 3-hour lines outside these temple for their turn to pay respects to their favoured deity for 5 seconds. Not that we mind it.

Historical travel: India is a country made of too many kingdoms ruled by too many dynasties for more 5 millennia. With each king building there own castle, not ready to share the meagre quarters with their parents, the number of castles is staggering. Ever since kingdoms were banned and ex-kings offered pennies for their ‘services’, most of the castles were abandoned since the cost of keeping them was higher than the kings’ annual salary. Most of them are open to public now as heritage spots or remodeled as hotels.

I have visited some of them and always came to the same conclusion–these people in the castle must have had legs of steel. After walking around the castles for 3 hours, I would wish for my knight in shining armour to pick me up, but my dad would simply smile and tell me to try to keep up.

I love architecture and paintings but I would like them to keep a golf cart for visitors. Unfortunately, golf carts can somehow ruin those precious ancient floors, so humans would have to walk on foot. Or may be simply sit on the floor (furniture is out of bounds) and hope that end of the day, the cleaner would sweep them out. Good luck with that!

General advice:

Well, since India has train and bus service nearly everywhere, travel is not much of a problem. But I would suggest keeping a mosquito-repellant cream and a bottle of Kulzum or Amritdhara for upset stomach, heat stroke and insect-bites.

I would also suggest keeping various anti-venoms, but that would be just out of spite since the world has forever called India the land of snake charmers. In reality, we are the land of temples and castles; and farms and cattles; and forests and deserts; and rolling hills and water falls; and rivers and seas… Snakes just come with the territory.

Considering that I have only visited 5 out of 29 states and 7 Union territories and the number of leaves I get at work each year is limited, I don’t think I will get a chance to peep out of India in this lifetime, unless I live to be 100-years old and healthy enough to travel till then.

Meanwhile, I continue travelling daily in dreams–a hassle-free way of travelling I have created lately. Well, I hope I will see Jaisalmer’s sand dunes tonight. That way I can cross it out from my list.

Wish me luck!

Posted in Reblog

Reblog: Sajadah di Pundak Lelaki Senja

Note from Shaily: Here is a piece in Indonesian by a co-blogger, Sunarno. Even though I don’t know that language, I am a fan because the Google translation of his pieces take me to a world made purely of feelings.

Here is the link to the original post: Link

And here is the Google Translation of his piece (I can’t vouch for accuracy of translation but assure you reading it will be worth it.).

Prayer mat on the shoulders of the Dusk Man

The market has shed its frenzy. The old man walked slowly, prayer mat hanging over his shoulders like an unhurried promise. The call to prayer has not yet sounded, but the time has shifted from bargaining to contemplation. The lowing of cattle was the only sound that lingered, filling the space left by conversation and ambition.

The ground was still wet with footprints and dirt that hadn’t been swept away, like a wound that had been left to dry on its own. No one is in a hurry to clean up, because here, chaos is part of everyday life, and everyday life is part of unfinished prayers.

And the man stopped for a moment at the edge of the prayer room, looking at the sky which was slowly turning orange. The prayer mat on his shoulders is not just a piece of cloth, but a path home that he carries wherever he goes. Behind the wrinkles on his face, there is a history of the market, a history of rice fields, a history of loss that he never talks about. Twilight embraced him silently, as if to say: prayer doesn’t need to be rushed, because every remaining second is an opportunity to return.

Posted in My life

First steps

My daughter started telling stories when she was three.

Most of it was reused, recycled and repurposed from the stories I had told her or what she saw on You Tube (Link to the proof: Plagiarism with Brains: Reuse, Recycle, Repurpose). She would add or changes animals in my animal stories and replaced mango with pumpkin in fairytales.

Yesterday, she wrote her first piece of poetry–on the fly and in 60-seconds flat. I actually had to ask her if she had taken ‘inspiration’ from someone. She claims she hadn’t.

Here is the piece. Before you ask, I have taken Your Highness’s permission.

Touch the sky,

Touch the sun,

Just go on and have fun.

You don’t know how long it will stay,

Or rather it will just go away.


I haven’t correct anything there. I had just asked her why she wanted to write game score on the diary I had given her to write poetry and stories in. So, she just took a pen and jotted these lines on the first page (rather the cardboard) of blank diary.

Now that she has a foot in the door, I can hope. I know, there is no guarantee that she would want to continue at all. But that’s life of a parent.

Posted in Book Review

Book Review: Jane Eyre

Ever since my “book-rehab” started, I have stuck to one book in a month. This is the one I chose this month–Jane Eyre. Being a classic, it needs no introduction, I believe. However, I can’t stop myself from from sharing.

When I had first read an abridged version of the book (part of school studies) as a teenager, I had found it unremarkable. The plot wasn’t grand and could be summed up in 3-4 lines. The abridged version had truly killed the very soul of the book and my teacher never tried to explain the context of the British society in 19th century. She also did not share the finer points of the book that made it a classic.

I am able to understand them now, a bit at least.

And I loved it this time.

This book is the most comprehensive character study I have come across so far. The best part is that it clarifies character through actions devoid of any emotions on the part of the observer. I specially loved the character study of Miss Ingram.

Living in a society which abhors physical imperfections, both the protagonists are unremarkable to look at. The book discusses their different ways to deal with their imperfections–Jane tries to be invisible, while Mr. Rochester tries to cover himself with power and money.

The book also has a religious theme. The book questions several religious rules and discusses the dilemma about things that are ethical but feel unjust. It also talks about religious people and how everyone interprets it differently based on their interests. While Mr. Broklehurst uses it as a tool to reduce expenses at school but not at home, St. John uses it to move people to serve God, whether or not they want to do it. The book also tries to distinguish a good man from a good husband.

The only thing I did not like was how the book presents India and Indians. The author made the heat sound like going to hell. ☺️ But then, I guess, I would consider moving to Britain as equivalent of moving into a refrigerator, so we are even. 🤣🤣🤣

Overall the book is beautiful because it goes against the social norm of that time which involved writing about beautiful heroine meeting a handsome hero. Also, the protagonists here love to get on eachother’s nerves and their love is more intellectual than sensual. This book is meant to be read at leisure, not to win a read-athon but to actually enjoy what you read and savour it daily.

Have you read Jane Eyre yet? What do you think of it?

If not, you can find it on Project Gutenberg website for free: Link

Posted in Random Thoughts

My moon and star

I went to the moon to see the noon;

But she wasn’t home;

So I waited and the stars came out;

So sky I plucked them from.

I wove some into a dress and

buttoned the moon tight;

To night I returned the rest and

wore the dream until light.


Author’s note: I wrote this piece for my daughter while I was helping her with a piece of school poetry. I was just trying to teach her how poetry can help us express our desires–an attempt she refuted by reminding me “Who will ever wear a dress made out of stars?”

She watches Doctor Binocs and knows more that she should. Sigh! Knowledge can be so glaring, it is blinding.

Posted in Life and After

Glide

I don’t like this whole gliding thing.

It makes me nauseous–

not that I can get sick, mind.

But that’s beside the point.

I have been at it for so many days–

I would rather put my foot down

once and for all–

not that I can do that too.

It is the cost of freedom I pay.

My eyes roam to the horizon,

dizzy already–not that I can fall.

I wonder if I can start wandering now.

No one told me the rules.

My feet itch to move…

well, not literally,

but you know what I mean.

No one told me no.

Used to being told what to do,

the freedom to decide scares me.

My heart soars and dips at the thought

of leaving it all behind.

I think I’ll take baby steps…

Ugh! Not literally, I mean.

I turn to look back at me one last time.

Chest heaving on the bed

with the effort of keeping it all together.

Yes, I think I’d rather leave.