Posted in Life and After

Glide

I don’t like this whole gliding thing.

It makes me nauseous–

not that I can get sick, mind.

But that’s beside the point.

I have been at it for so many days–

I would rather put my foot down

once and for all–

not that I can do that too.

It is the cost of freedom I pay.

My eyes roam to the horizon,

dizzy already–not that I can fall.

I wonder if I can start wandering now.

No one told me the rules.

My feet itch to move…

well, not literally,

but you know what I mean.

No one told me no.

Used to being told what to do,

the freedom to decide scares me.

My heart soars and dips at the thought

of leaving it all behind.

I think I’ll take baby steps…

Ugh! Not literally, I mean.

I turn to look back at me one last time.

Chest heaving on the bed

with the effort of keeping it all together.

Yes, I think I’d rather leave.

Posted in Life and After

The Loop

Did she use this particular song before? It sounds vaguely familiar…

It is so confusing when you have to shoot the video at the perfect angle and in perfect light and add a song to every reel you upload. And make sure you don’t repeat yourself. What if this song was already in one of her reels? She has been posting for good three years now, so it is difficult to remember.

It is midnight. She should probably stop this and go to sleep. But she can’t–she doesn’t have anything to post tomorrow on Insta, and if she doesn’t, her followers will be disappointed.

Or will they be? She hasn’t been getting as much response on her site as she used to–less likes, even lesser comments. Why, when she added her reels of their trip to Goa, her particular video of her close up shot in micro-mini did not get much response–just 23 likes and a couple of comments with oohs and aahs! Nothing on her beauty or amazing body…

Is she getting fat? She must be with all the calories she been intaking…

She looks accusingly at her kale–it hasn’t made much difference in the past couple of months. Her weight has stayed at 47 kg since forever. She looks accusingly at her husband who declined to bring her a weight-reduction formula, calling her crazy for wanting to reduce weight further.

What does he know about social trends? You have to be fit to draw the eyes. And he has a paunch under his night shirt, which is rising and falling as he snores softly.

Loser!

She looks back at her phone. She was tired. It is so much work when you have to hold the camera and make it look like it isn’t you who is making the video; like it is your husband or admirer who can’t stop filming you…

It would be so much easier if her husband agreed to make the videos for her.

Honestly, she doesn’t demand much–just a good location, some good clothes and twenty something pictures to make a reel or, may be, a few short videos. But he is more interested in taking in the sights and enjoying with their child rather than holding the camera for her.

Ugh! She wants to throw the phone at him right now, but, if it cracks, her three-hour work will be wasted. She has filmed herself at the local pool, hair spread out in water perfectly. It took several shots and a couple of hours to get the right shot since her hair was floating in weird directions.

She will post it before risking losing it.

So, what song was it again? Yeah, it sounds vaguely familiar…

Posted in Life and After, Nature

Breaking the Ice

For months, she hadn’t been stirred.

Suddenly, the ice broke with the unexpected weight and she screamed for help. Melting with the sun as spring approached was something a part of frozen river would accepted as fate. She would have lived a complete life by then. But breaking down early because someone mercilessly stepped on her weakness…that hurt.

So, she screamed for help. But all of them were on their own now as more cracks kept appearing–the stag that had stepped on her continued jumping neatly on the now-broken ice and crossed the river.

The river was now a jumble of fast moving pieces of ice running forward to meet the sea.

Most of them were simply resigned. She struggled against the flow, trying to return to her calm and composed existence, but there was nothing to hold on to.

Her fight was desperate and fruitless. Her screams were drowned in the gurgle of the river just like the few woohoos from others…

Woohoos?!

She turned around and saw another part of the river, clearly enjoying the ride. He had always been far away, closer to the bank. But now he was pushing her, shining with a twinkle. His playful smile dared her to try beating him at the game.

She pushed back and he laughed, pushing her again, tickling where they touched. Soon, they were both laughing as they pushed and touched and tickled and woohoo-ed down the river.

Not sure how far they reached before they melted but they certainly never stopped to notice.

Posted in Life and After

Mooning

Midnight. At the windowsill,

Moon reminds me.

Sprinkling silver pixie dust,

Lighting up the path

For Words to find me.

Sleep spreads its blanket

On the neighbouring bed.

Enraged Jealousy urges me

To shake awake

The Sleepyhead.

Muse nudges the

Story hiding within.

Spying the pen, she retreats,

Fearful of the ever-

judging Punctuation.

Sleep warns Desperation–

Inching towards her patrons

to seek help.

Sense prevails.

Who wants grumbly audience?

Responsibility cautions

To wait for the first light.

Unacceptable though,

I watch Moon sitting on the windowsill,

Sprinkling moonlight.


Author’s note: I have not learnt writing poetry, but I dabble with it sometimes.

  • I have tried a 1-2, 1-2-3 dancing style here.
  • Personification is meant to build a crowd on an otherwise quiet, lonely night.
  • I have also tried shape-writing to bring a sense of repetition where you return from where you start.

Please let me know which part of it worked and what sucked. ๐Ÿ™‚

Posted in Life and After, Random Thoughts

Something

Scared by the darkness,

She looked back. Nothing.

Something told her, her shadow wasn’t following.

.

She couldn’t be sure–

It was too dark.

Surely she would know if her shadow was still her part…

.

She would feel it

Sticking to her shoe…

Certainly there would be something…a slight cue?

.

Unknown, unreasonable,

Fear crept in.

Panic filled up empty crevices within.

.

She rushed back

To the streak of light.

Her shadow was there the other night.

.

Travellers swear,

In car headlight,

A phantom dives under their speeding cars. Every night…


Author’s note: Some people working in graveyard shift in Gurgaon back in 2014 used to say that a phantom woman would dive under their car’s front wheels. Every night. Scary! ๐Ÿ˜จ

Posted in Life and After, Love

The Bouquet

I was expecting her at our neighbour’s wedding, being her first cousin. But still, it is a punch in the gut. Closing my eyes, I breath deeply to avoid doing something foolish–like grabbing her hand and running away before anyone can react…

It is a stupid thought though. Her brothers are on high alert. I can see them giving me dirty looks, like daring me to take a single step towards her. I am not going to, of course. She is off-limits now that she is married. She is tied to that man for seven lives–that mountain of a man with a huge chest and a large moustache…

Didn’t she tell him she hates moustache?

I sneak another look at her. She doesn’t seem to have noticed me. She doesn’t look any worse for wear anyway, like she is doing fine without me. So, it seems only I was holding out the candle for her.

She looks lovely, like a proper indian married woman sporting a red salwar suit, large traditional red bindi on her forehead, red and white chuda adorning her arms and a red embroidered dupatta covering her head…

She used to hate red. She was against girls being typecasted into reds and pinks. She had once made me swear that I would never ask her to wear red or cover her head after our marriage…

Our marriage…well, it doesn’t seem to be on her mind anymore now. She seems serene, smiling politely as she nods at something her aunt is saying…

She used joke that married women act all grown up in public and don’t laugh because they are not free to laugh anymore; that I should never expect that of her…

She used to be a wildflower, not ready to fit in the social bouquet.

I don’t know what to expect of her anymore.

But somethings never change. Anyone knowing her would see that she is already bored of the conversation. She was never the one for small talk. But she is trying to be polite. But her gaze is already drifting away from her aunt, looking for an escape.

Suddenly, her gaze falls on me and her entire being lights up. She starts to take a step towards me…

But her husband asks her something. The realisation returns and the light dies out of her eyes. She smiles a fake smile at him reserved for people she can barely tolerate and returns to acting like a grown-up..

She is one off the bouquet now.


Muskurata toh ab bhi hai,

Bhale gairo ke sath hi,

Us guldaste me ab wo

Gulistan si khushbu nhi.

Posted in Life and After

Gard | Urdu | Sher | Poetry

Sara jahaan jab gard me lipta hua lagne lage,

Sheeshe khidkiyo ke saaf kar lena durust hai.


Translation (Not word-by-word):

When bleak, bleary, blurred world

is blanketing in dirt

(one friend at a time),

high time someone

cleaned the windows.


Author’s note: An Urdu Sher is a couplet that deep dives into a single topic within two lines. A conventional Sher must be rhymed with specific word weight (this one is not) but it is not necessary. The theme can vary from society to love to faith and everything else under the sun.

Posted in Life and After, Love

The Rose Print

Author’s note: Thank you, Lauren for providing the first line of the story.

The letter contained the most unexpected news I could imagine. For the hundredth time, I reread those ragged, cursive words written in a weak hand on a paper with roses printed on it. The paper is of the finest quality, worthy of a person of means.

My dearest,

I wish we had more time together, but I cannot undo the turn my life has taken. On the verge of death, I see you, and you alone, as my closest relative. This estate now belongs to you.

Love,

D. F. Allistor

I hazard a look at the life-size portrait hanging behind my bedโ€”the mischievous blue eyes seem to twinkle with mirth. I avert my eyes trying to ignore the portraitโ€”the proverbial elephant in the room. D. F. Allistor died recently, leaving this estate to me. His attorney had mailed me the letter after his death along with the documentation of inheritance.

When I first received it, I had instantly sent a letter back letting him know that there was a mistake; that I was an orphan with no living relatives and didn’t know any dead ones; that I had never been to the estate before, and neither did I know the last owner nor did I ever hear of him; and hence, I could not be the person in this will.

But the attorney was sure, “I know it sounds improbable, even to me. But while I am unaware of the nature of your relationship with the late Donovon Frederick Allistor yet, the details provided to me by him match you exactly, down to the last letter of your name, address, parentage and work history.”

This reply had rattled me. I am not a public figure, and I have no social media account. Researching about me from across the country must have taken a lot of time and resources. Yet, this relative had never approached me while he was alive, not even when I was abused by foster parents and turned into a servant of their household. All those years, I had waited for some relative to come forward and claim me. Now that I was out of that situation, inheriting this obscene amount of money and the sprawling estate seems meaningless. Well, almost…

Two years back, I had left my foster home at the first opportunity and started working at the hospital in the Hospice ward. In return, I received weekly paychecks and had a small quarter to live in. It was a tough life. The people I took care of were waiting to die and death was a frequent visitor. It isn’t fair to have to work in a place that reeked of death just to be able to survive.

I tried to stay aloof most of the timesโ€”tears were a luxury for meant for people with means. But it was difficult when some of the patients cared so much for me. They often offered words of care and caution like family. Charles had even offered to adopt meโ€”I had to remind him that I was too old to be adopted. And Martha had offered me a job at her home, but, of course, the job was only until Martha was alive, which wasn’t long. And that place was right next door to the Cancer ward, where I had met Eric…

He used to make me laughโ€”even declared his “undying love” and “married” me by twisting his ventilator tube and slipping it on my finger as a ring, joking that I would soon be a rich widow! He died last month with his bald head in my lap and wrinkled hands holding mine. I had stayed with him until an ambulance came and took him back to his city to be buried. That was the only day I had allowed myself to cry.

It isn’t fair at all!

All this while, there was a someone with means who knew about me and could have supported me! But he had waited until his death.

Initially, I was angry, confused and unsure of the stroke of unusually good luck. But there was no point declining the opportunity this estate presented. It came with a lot of money and no debt. It could set me up for life and help me start over, attend college and, maybe, become someone I could be proud of. The place came with a housekeeper and a gardener who were paid through a trust fundโ€”I didn’t have to be alone here. So, I left the job at the hospital and moved here.

*****

I love the place. It is beautiful and not very old. My resentment towards late D.F. Allistor is gradually dissipating. But even after being in the house for two days, I’m still unsure of my relationship with him. I always keep wondering if someone will come and make a claim for the estate, calling me a fraud and usurper.

I can’t put it off anymore. So, I broach the topic with the housekeeper about the previous owner without making it look like I didn’t know him. She seems very fond of him, “Oh! He was a fine man, ma’am. A little mischievous but he had a good heart. Always helped me when I was in trouble with my husband. Even in his death, he left a trust fund, so I don’t have to go back to him. Taken too early, I say! Twenty-four is not the age to die!” Tears are gathering in the corners of her eyes.

24? “When did he commission this portrait?”

“Just two years back when a local artist was unable to pay her mortgage. He gave her enough money without making it sound like charity.”

How can I hold a grudge against such a person? Earlier, I had assumed he was older. But taken at 24? For the first time, I look properly at the portrait with the twinkling eyes, looking for a similarity in his face and mineโ€”some family connection I never knew of. The face feels faintly familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it.

Thinking of something to say, I pick the most obvious topic, “How did he die?”

She looked at me with doubt in her eyes, “Cancer. You know all about it, of course. By the time doctors diagnosed it, he only had a few months left. He got chemotherapy and radiation done in a facility close by. The poor boy lost all his hair, eyebrows and lashes, and he was so frail in those last daysโ€”it was impossible to recognise him! And later, he went to that big hospital in your city all alone, for his parents were both dead and gone. He wouldn’t let me come because my youngest is still only 3. When he met you, he was finally so happy. He told me all about it over the phone…”

Her voice trailed away, as she read the doubt on my face, “You did know him, didn’t you?”

I could picture him in the hospital, mischievous blue eyes framed by a frail, bald face and a charming smile, slipping the twisted ventilator tube like a ring on my finger, his bald head in my lap and wrinkled hands holding mine…

Frederick…Eric…

*****

For the millionth time, I reread those ragged, cursive words written in a weak hand on a paper with roses printed on it. I look at the life-size portrait hanging behind my bed.

The mischievous blue eyes seem to twinkle with love…

Posted in Life and After, Love

I’ll be along

Been too lost to speak;

Been too lost to quiet;

Been too long I could think of what to say besides.

Feels like forever;

When you were by my side,

Been too long ever since I felt the pain subside.

Wait for me, won’t you?

I will be along

Wait for me, won’t you?

You won’t be alone…

Been too far away

On the other side of the sun.

Too long since I touched the fresh earth

and didn’t feel the burn.

Lost in space forever,

I didn’t see until you were gone;

Now there’s nothing but to wonder

When I’ll be along…

Wait for me

there, my love;

I’ll be along…

Wait for me

won’t you?

I will be along…

_________________________________________________

Author’s note: Not sure where this one came up from. I am not a song writer, but I was singing it as I wrote it. I could hear my brother’s guitar in my mind, strumming a quick beat as I sang it. And for some reason, it feels like a piece of my heart.